post 18: Against Charity

Abolitionists like Dean Spade have spoken extensively about the distinction between solidarity and charity. I want to vent a tiny tiny bit about how a ‘charitable’ approach to helping people shows up in personal relationships, because through the recent death of my father, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to truly support people. As one doctor said, in my father’s final days he was the star of the show. The people closest to him had to make our best efforts to figure out what he wanted, even as his ability to communicate dwindled, as opposed to claiming to act in his best interest without his input. If we loved him, our priority could not be to control him.

I have known a lot of people who conflate ‘help’ with control. They ignore what you say and assume they know best without evidence or explanation. They don’t work with you, they work behind you. They don’t listen. Eventually you either confront them, leave them, or engage in subterfuge. But you have to be careful in your confrontations, especially if you’re living in that (black / queer / fat?) body. You never know how what those charitable types hear might contradict what you’ve said, because ultimately, it isn’t clear if their actual goal is to support you at all. People often mask their intentions, and wonder at the inauthenticity of their relationships.

There is an association in my mind between charitable types and toxic positivity. Because if there is death, they don’t want to see it. If there is an omen, they want to march through it. Their fear is placed in what is unavoidable — mortality and spontaneous growth. But life and death embraces us in equal turns. When either is ignored, the whole falls apart. How can they live this way?

It can’t be a coincidence that American culture, at least, views joy as a state of being that is at odds with stable principles, and at times, with self belief (if you’re living in that black / queer / fat? body). Of course I love it when people can explain their principles beyond dogmaticism, because my environments so often refuse that, and I think human survival depends on our willingness to explain and listen. Of course I love it when people have a nearly impish investment in political integrity, because therein lie moments of safety. Of course, some people fail me, but my goodness, I always hope others will surprise me. I live a social life with social expectations.